I’m writing this on my flight back from the Pacific Northwest, preparing for all of the questions I know I will get once I’m home. It’s a long post and I don’t expect everyone to read all of it, so I will include a TL;DR at the end.
The news update: I am not moving to Astoria this June.
And there is a mix of confusion, grief, and embarrassment in saying that.
When I was married, I remember a few girlfriends asking what I would do as a backup plan if there was infidelity in my marriage again. I joked that I would move to Astoria, Oregon as it has been one of my favorite places to visit with Cannon Beach (my favorite beach) so close by. (I literally have had their weather listed in my weather app for 13 years!)
After my divorce, when I moved back to Omaha, the idea of freedom in moving to Oregon started to grow. I immediately corrected people in saying that Omaha was my current “landing pad” as it did not feel like home, but instead had become a safe place to reset and figure out what is next.
We all know I am fairly self-sufficient and independent. I can build community easily and have created a healthy lifestyle for myself. But feeling unsettled in my body and not having a partner to share life with has created a real emptiness. Dating in Omaha has been more disappointing than I expected. I have been on ten dating apps for over a year, and I did not think it would be this challenging to find my match. I know I’d make an amazing partner and I have done a lot of healing work in therapy, but finding someone equally self-aware and growth-minded feels almost impossible these days.
Last year I took a solo road trip through South Dakota, and something shifted. Exploring nature and living in curiosity filled parts of me that had been missing. I thought, if I can do this, why not try living somewhere new? That is what pushed me toward Oregon. It felt like I had found the answer to at least a bit more fulfillment on my own.
In the past, Astoria gave me a sense of body, spiritual, and mental alignment I cannot fully explain. I have felt it in a few other places, like Bondi Beach in Sydney, so I thought following that feeling would lead me closer to embodiment after trauma. But as cute and friendly as the town is, this trip felt different in my body. The alignment was not there and I do not feel peace in making a decision to fully move even though I would still love to visit again. Admittedly, something has shifted which comes with both grief and disappointment.
Not moving feels like failure as I am someone who sets goals and follows through. But I am trying to see this differently. Choosing not to move is actually me listening to my intuition instead of forcing something out of fear or pressure.
Right now, I am learning how to let go of control and just be present. To stop trying to force outcomes and instead allow the right things to find me. That is hard for me as I am used to figuring things out and making them happen on my own. It’s my trauma response and how I’ve learned to survive. Lately, it feels like every attempt to find a partner or a place to live hits a wall, and now I am in a space where all I can do is trust my intuition and wait.
So what now? My gut is telling me to downsize and find a more affordable apartment in Omaha so I can travel with more flexibility to make extended stays. I want to spend time in different places for a month at a time and really experience them before committing to moving. Northern Washington and Maine are at the top of my list as I know I want to be near water and cooler weather.
This brings me back to what a friend once called Blank Canvas Syndrome. I thought I had a clear plan, and now it feels like everything on the drawing board has been wiped clean again. I’m unsure of what is next and it scares me. I love my work and my community, but something is still missing. I believe that “something” is a sense of home, either in a place or with a person. How do you even begin to draw again when it feels like all options lead to dead ends and emptiness?
There is also a part of me that feels excited to stay in Omaha a little longer. To learn how to ride a motorcycle with friends, to hold babies while they are still young, to continue traditions, and to not fully say goodbye yet. I am grateful for the people here who continue to check-in and support me. I am also grateful for everyone that directed me to Astoria and the opportunity I had to meet some incredibly kind people while I was there. I know that when I do find my partner and my home, you will all be celebrating with me and everything I went through in this journey to get there.
TLDR: I’m sadly not moving to Astoria this June as I did not feel full alignment in my body to make the decision to go. Instead I am trusting my intuition by staying in Omaha for now and giving myself the freedom to explore until I find where and with whom I feel most at home.
With love,
Vera Lynn
By Vera Lynn 
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